Writing a blog about toxic women carries a huge risk as it comes across as sexist. Afterall, anyone can be toxic. Men can be toxic just as women can. To narrow in on toxic women in this blog deserves some justification. Am I implying that toxic women are worse than toxic men? Not at all. In fact, history has shown men to be far more destructive in societies. What I am implying is that toxicity among women leaders takes a different form which can be unassuming at first but equally and sometimes more damaging. It is concerning that within the positive upward trend of more women taking roles in decision making positions, we are also seeing not only more toxicity in the workplace but very little changes initiated by women to make corporate environments more suitable for women, especially mothers. When female leaders shatter the glass ceilings, often at the expense of their mental health and raising their children, they expect and demand the same level of sacrifice from other women. They often do absolutely nothing to change the game for other women. On the contrary, they maintain the status quo. 

Even more worrying, many toxic women leaders are going unchecked because of corporate sensitivities to women empowerment, women’s rights and gender equality. In the course of my career in international development, I have seen it all from incredibly inspiring women leaders to very toxic women leaders, some of whom are publicly champions of gender equality. Yet, behind the scenes, they are abusive to their staff. 

If there is any doubt about my appreciation for women leaders, please check out my previous blogs. It goes without saying that there are PLENTY of great women leaders who have been incredibly effective in their roles and also proven to have healthy leadership styles. I know them, I have worked with them, and I admire them greatly. Sadly, they’re becoming fewer in numbers.

The reason why I call it a silent epidemic is that toxicity among women is often confusing and unassuming at first. One day, you have a lovely boss who is asking how your kids are doing. She may even remember their names. The next day, you are undermined, intimidated, blamed, shamed, and undervalued. We have effectively bought into the narrative that women are the fairer sex and that the world would be a better place if women were running it. This is not always true. I can think of a couple of women who would have created more wars in the world had they won the presidency of the United States. 

What toxic behaviours am I talking about?

To be clear, I’m not talking about a demanding boss, who consistently overwhelms staff with work, who sets unrealistic deadlines, who takes all the credit and does not acknowledge others’ contributions, who calls staff on work related issues on the weekends etc. These are all terrible but very commonplace. I am more concerned about a level of inhumanity that I have seen happen at the hands of women leaders. The first is intimidation – instilling so much fear and anxiety among the team. Not only is this bad for mental and physical health, but I have seen many colleagues resort to excessive smoking to deal with the stress and anxiety. The second is a high level narcissism where everyone is made to feel inferior to the leader. For those who are not mentally strong, they eventually lose their self-confidence. The third is the blatant abuse of power which can manifest in bullying but also putting staff members in awkward positions that circumvent company policy (eg being forced to recruit an unqualified person). The fourth behaviour is the old divide and conquer where unnecessary friction and mistrust is planted in the team. A final major concern is when the toxic trait of the manager becomes part and parcel of the work culture. Other colleagues begin to display the same toxic traits. 

What makes this a serious problem particularly among women?

The code-switching between toxicity and “nice auntie” is the secret sauce that fuels the longevity of toxicity among women leaders. This might be an advantage women have over men in this toxic race. It’s for this reason that the problem is so difficult to deal with because many of them are incredibly charismatic and have a charming public persona. A very public example is Ellen DeGeneres (allegedly). It is a difficult thing for people to marry these two personalities together – the ambitious, impactful, superwoman that has shattered a glass ceiling and the person that abuses her power and creates a highly toxic work environment. Two things can be true.  

What I have observed about toxic women in leadership is that they are often very smart, politically astute and extremely ambitious. Not only are they often charismatic and charming, but many are also highly impactful. They turn companies profitable, they effect reforms, create new policies and they may even hire more women. They very quickly develop a god complex when they shatter the glass ceiling, and this feeds a narcissistic behaviour. It is very difficult to check a female leader for toxicity because they are often a minority in a world of men; they’ve worked incredibly hard to get to that level; and organisations striving for gender equality care about the optics of firing a female. What is not visible is a brutal style of leadership behind closed doors which leaves behind many broken bodies. 

Now if toxic men are doing the same thing, is it fair to expect more from women? My answer is a loud yes! On a moral level, I believe that it falls on women to create working cultures that serve women. I have not seen much evidence that corporate changes (eg childcare in the workplace, flexible hours, etc) have been initiated by women. On the contrary, we see famous women leaders urging women to be more like men, to have a seat at the table, to not worry about missing children’s soccer games etc. There is a constant battle between modern feminism and conservativism. Where is the middle ground? The middle ground is what many women are seeking. We want to be impactful leaders and still have family dinners most nights and attend children’s school recitals without guilt and stress. Perhaps former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern would have remained PM if this middle ground was an option for her and if she had the necessary support to thrive in this ideal environment. 

To be clear, we need women in leadership roles! We need more women making decisions, but we need to demand for better leaders. I, myself am a woman in a leadership role and I make a genuine effort to create positive work environments where work-life balance is respected. For example, I routinely check who in my team is not taking their annual leave and I insist on leaves being taken. I have seen other managers use leave requests as power tools which irks me. I sincerely hope that this blog in a small way will encourage more reflection and introspection among women leaders. We can all strive to do better. 

Edit (inserted on 8 Sept): On further reflection, I wanted to add a related comment on gender equality. It used to mean striving for 50% representation of women more or less. But something is happening at least in the development industry that no one talks about. It’s becoming a female majority. There are teams, departments, organizations that are 70% to 100% female. And this is even used as a bragging point for gender equality. Again, I’m speaking from my own observations and experiences but having only women at the table can result in dysfunction. I hate to say it but it’s what I’ve seen. In the same token, sensible things don’t come out of male only decisions which is why we still have to go back and revise constitutions. There is a benefit to having a real diversity of people, minds…. hormones 🙂

Okay, I’ll stop here!

Peace and love